


there's blood on your lies (nowhere for you to hide)

by biochemprincess



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 08:16:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3843694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biochemprincess/pseuds/biochemprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the aftermath of jemma's actions in 2x19. [maysimmons, spoilers for 2x19]</p>
            </blockquote>





	there's blood on your lies (nowhere for you to hide)

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song 'running with the wolves' by aurora.

The first person she tells is May.

(Well, that's not exactly true. May takes one look at her and knows something is wrong.)

The first person who finds out is May.

 

* * *

 

 

The lab is empty save for her, when May approaches her.

Everybody is too distracted by what has happened today, trying to coordinate their future steps. Nobody is paying attention to the mere biochemist, who tends the injured late at night.

(And Jemma's grateful. Because she couldn't lie to them just right now, she doesn't have the energy. But then there's May - calm and collected and oh so aware of what is going on.)

"What really happened with Ward and Bakshi?" May doesn't talk around the subject, they are far beyond that.

But Jemma can try anyway, right? "I don't know what you're talking about."

She pulls her hair free of the hair tie, pointedly looking in a different direction while doing so. Her heart beat increases and so does her breathing.

She's not that good when it comes to lying - not now, not about this, not when talking to May.

"Simmons, this has nothing to do with SHIELD. Or Ward. This is about you. I just want to help you."

Jemma wants to scream. How can one person see so much, when's so blind herself? It's not fair that May wants answers, when she doesn't even know the questions.

"Nothing happened. Ward left. Bakshi didn't make it."

"Simmons."

"Did you ever kill somebody?" She blurts out unintentionally. Before May can respond, Jemma goes on. "Not to defend yourself, but because you thought it was the right thing to do? Because you wanted it? Because it seems so right."

May watches her, neither agrees nor denies. She only watches, something that could be fear or sympathy shining in her eyes.

"I don't know what's right or wrong anymore." Tears spill from Jemma's eyes and onto her blouse. "I wanted to kill Ward. I wanted to kill him, but I ended up killing Bakshi."

And then, softer now: "I'm becoming a monster. I am a monster."

(Something breaks inside her. Her carefully guarded secret is open wide, shattered into millions and millions of fractions. A fire consumes her heart, leaving nothing but ashes. It feels like being cut open, exposed to the world.)

(All of what she tried to hide, fear - hurt - anger - fury, is suddenly on the surface, for the whole word to see.)

She was good once, but she isn't anymore. She was a healer once, but is she still after ending a life that wasn't hers to take?

"You're not." May's tone is so final, like she wanted to declare a war. But Jemma doesn't believe her.

(The only war declared today is against her.)

"I killed a man today!"

"And I have done far worse."

It throws Jemma off the track for a second. Because May says it as a matter of fact, the same way she told that she's not a monster, with tears in her eyes too. She sighs, the facade of a warrior fading and leaving only an exhausted woman.

"And why did you do it?"

"Why did you do it?" May retorts, clearly not wanting to talk about herself.

"I thought it was the right thing to do."

"Do you still think that?"

No. Yes. No. Yes.

"I don't know."

But her answer is not good enough. "Why did you think it was right? Revenge?"

No. Yes. No. Yes.

"No. I wanted to protect people I love. From him."

She's almost yelling by now, only held back by the knowledge that Gonzales is not far from them. Her heart is still beating too fast, like it wants to burst her rib cage. Her vision is tunneling down and she thinks she might throw up within the next few minutes.

(Jemma can recognize a panic attack, when she has one. It's not her first. And she thinks it might not be her last either.)

Suddenly May is by her side, gently wrapping her hands around the pulse points of her wrists, guiding her towards the ground. They sit there together, until her breathing becomes slower again, Jemma wrapped up in May's embrace like a little child.

"I will not tell you what you did is right. I will not give you absolution for what you've done." May whispers and Jemma nods as best as she can. She doesn't deserve it anyway, not for what she has become. 

"As soon as all of this is over, I'll call Andrew."

"Why?" The word comes out between a hiccup and sob.

"To set up an appointment. For you. To help you."

It seems right. Help. Treatment. It sounds right.

Warmth is spreading inside her and yet she shivers, as cold creeps up her spine. It's all too much, Jemma thinks. She yawns and closes her eyes for a few seconds, only to rest them. They burn from her tears. In the darkness she sees Bakshi's face and Ward's gun and her hands, not blood-red this time though it's the first time she killed.

May's touch keeps her grounded, chasing the demons away. May's right, she needs help. Before she becomes something she cannot change ever again.

"I should've seen it sooner. I am so sorry, Jemma."

Jemma wants to respond, wants to tell her it is not her fault, only her own. But her tongue won't obey her and her eyes won't open again, exhaustion winning the battle and taking over her body. And then she sleeps.

 

* * *

 

 

(When she wakes again, in her bed this time, tucked under warm blankets; May is sitting on a stool next to the bedside. 

And she doesn't look like she's leaving again anytime soon.)

 


End file.
